There are just several things you do not do when dating a Latina. Taking her to the South Bronx/Fort Apache is
one of them. As my Heroine continues her dating saga, she carefully outlines the demise of yet another one of her suitors, thus, proving that it is, in fact, a jungle out there.
It is a Friday. My
Latina Heroine decides that rather than sit on her couch and wonder what others are doing on their couches; she would be better off going to the gym. And she’s off.
She puts on her spandex
shorts (which are busting at the seems, since she hasn’t been to the gym in a month), her sneakers and grabs her sweat towel as she drags her way to the car.
“I am going to have a good workout
today. I will ride the bike for half an hour, get on the treadmill for forty minutes and work on my arms today,” she resolves on her drive over.
As soon as she gets there, she decides that there is
not enough ventilation, so she alters her workout slightly to two minutes on the bike, thirty seconds on the treadmill and 40 minutes working out her mouth while engrossed in conversation with this really
buff guy at the gym.
Her arms, she decided, she would work out when she put them around the hunk she just met. (That would build her biceps — she hopes.) After draining her mandibular faculties, she gets
the guy to ask her out. They agree to meet an hour later. (There is definitely no down time there.)
Let me breakdown this date for you in a nutshell:
Guy picks up girl. Guy tells girl she is
beautiful. Guy takes her to her favorite Japanese restaurant. \Guy tells her she is very sexy. (That is a hint.) Guy holds her hand over dinner. Guy leans over for a kiss. (Bad Karma.) She lets
guy kiss. (Signs of desperation.) They walk out of restaurant hand in hand. Guy drives girl home. (Guy expects more than a tap kiss. Girl expects a tap kiss. Girls has problems.) Guy tries guy moves:
caresses girl’s hair, moves to shoulders, down to breasts (where is girl’s brain function?)
Finally girl snaps out of it, tells guy goodnight. Later that evening girl takes shower to go to bed,
finds four noticeable hickeys on neck!
Rule 1: You are not a marine mollusk, so stop acting like one. Only squids and jellyfishes give hickeys, not grown adults. Plus, how are we to explain these suctioned
sections on our necks to our parents/co-workers/world. My Heroine is particularly irate when she gets hickeys because that lowers her dating potential. What guy in his right mind asks out a girl who has
hickeys from someone else?
Rule 2: You are not an octopus, so keep your tentacles to yourself. Don’t reach for her breasts, butt or private parts on a first date. Those are clear signs of a pig. Note: If
you are one of those that exposes himself on a first date, you deserve to have that particular tentacle dismembered.
Rule 3: When you hear the word “no,” it means “No.” It does not mean, “oh,” “go,” “yo,”
or for those of you named, Joe, “go Joe.” No is no and that is all there is to it.
Let me brief you on date two (the final date):
Guy picks up girl. Guy takes girl to diner for dinner. (Cheap and
thinks does not have to impress you anymore.) Guy takes girl to movie in Bronx. Girl thinks ok. (Girl doesn’t know Bronx, girl should have stayed in Queens.) Girl sits in theater with guy. Twenty people run
into theater. Shootout takes place in lobby of theater. Girl is scared wants to leave. Guy says he has to use the bathroom. Upon return guy wants to kiss girl in lobby of theater among three bodies on the
ground. Girl annoyed. Guy continues his retarded behavior by asking girl if she thinks this will be in the news tonight. Girl ignores guy all the way home. Guy wants kiss…girl gives him a ‘diss. Last date.
Guy still continues to call girl to this day wondering where he went wrong.
Psycho!
Rule 3: Don’t take a girl to an area where the potential for criminal activity is almost assured. That is not
impressive.
Rule 4: When girl is not happy, you can be assured she won’t make you happy later, do what she wants and leave any area she feels uncomfortable with. Don’t ask stupid questions, don’t
use the bathroom and most certainly, do not try to kiss her while people are bleeding to death on the ground. Probably not the indicated “modus operandi” during a shootout.
Rule 5: Please stop calling
girl. Girl thinks you are a freak when you tell her that a shootout is an everyday occurrence for you.
Final Rule: People don’t need to tell others they are from the ghetto, their actions speak louder than
words.
Located in New York City, Arelia Taveras is a contributing columnist for HispanicVista.com.
